In Rememberence of my Mother
Tuesday, Nov. 5th, 2013 (2530 views)
minem released his new album and his song Headlights
made me think of my mother. Even though we do not have a relationship, not everything was shitty. My mom instilled some really great qualities and for that I will always be grateful.
My mom and dad were teenage parents and so I had the great honour of spending lots of time with my grandparents. I learned to appreciate my elders, ancestry, pick peas from the garden, spending time with my cousins, listening to my great grandmother curse in Scottish and making awesome memories at Regina Beach. My aunt also cared for me, I spent so much time there I could not eat Pb&J sandwiches for over 20 years. She also passed down her recipes and made the time to learn how to do something left handed just so she could teach me. We shared our love of stencilling and at a drop of a hat would come and hang pictures because the rest of us could not see straight. This is the same woman who saved my daughter's first care-bear from the clutches of death.
After my parents separated (big shocker) my mom was a single parent and yes she picked shitty men, but she still worked and was always employed. She was the one who held down the same job for years. She was one the one who taught me about work ethic and being reliable. For as poor as we were, I always had a new bike and there was enough money for my Ringette including the tournaments, equipment and gas to get to the 5 AM practices. I remember having gaming systems, walk-man’s and ghetto blasters. To this day I love to game, music and my electronics are the most important things to me. My mother was a vivacious reader and I am sure I got my love of reading from her.
My mom ended up having four kids, I don't know how she didn't go crazy, well I do, she was/is a substance abuser. She taught me about budgeting, being responsible and laundry. Out of necessity all of her kids learned how to do laundry properly. I can sort, stain remove and do the laundry every week, there is none of this once every 6 months bullshit. I am grateful for clean clothes EVERY week.
Christmas has always been very important to my maternal side of the family. In preparation for the big day, crafts would be made months in advance; including many accidents with the glue gun. Baking would be done, more baking because people would eat the first two batches and oodles of presents would be wrapped and delivered to the wrong houses. The house would be decorated, the tree would always be put up at least a month in advance and the yard would be decked out with lights, garland and lawn ornaments. The extended family would get together for supper; I have always loved Christmas and was my favourite holiday. Over the years my excitement has waned when Christmas day with my family has turned to code for drunkfest. I can no longer put out my ornaments because the kittehs, dogs and kids have broke most of the ornaments and it is disheartening that Christmas day is just another day.
Every time one of her children have been sick my mom would be there, she would go into momma bear mode and demand answers. It is probably the reason why when all of her children were sick they would call her. She could always make it better, I am not sure how she did this, it must be some magical powers she had, but it worked! When I was sick I would curl up and want my mom because she knew how to make me feel better.
Being a single parent of four kids my mom had the skills to be independent, a strong woman and someone who does not need a man to be successful. I guess this is why it was so upsetting when the same woman who was my best friend and most likely had my child's best interest at heart under minded my authority constantly and let a 14 year old manipulate her to the point that it caused a huge family strife. The same woman who had teenagers herself and should have known that teenagers manipulate to try and get what they want. I guess when you become a grandparent there is a different set of rules and you forget sanity.
This woman set a foundation of being strong and independent and yet, she is friends with the man who, assaulted, stalks
me and has three no contact orders to stay away from her daughter and grandchildren; her response is "he hasn't done anything to me" is dumbfounding, hurtful and confusing. When my sister got sick and almost died numerous times, my daughter and I were not allowed to go to the hospital. While my sister was on her death bed the first time, I begged my mother who I had not talked to in three years to allow my daughter to visit her aunt and I was told "no". My sister pulled through and almost died numerous times after that. The day she died I was notified to come to the hospital, I was accused of being a cold hearted bitch because I showed no emotion. I was void from emotion due to sitting at home waiting all the other times for someone to sneak a phone call to me; however, this time I got to do it at the hospital. After my sister died the man who assaulted, stalked and who we had restraining orders against was invited to the funeral.
My mother taught me to be self reliant and believe in yourself. When my sister died my mother died along with her. The first Christmas after my sister passed away I received a gift from my mom in memory of my sister. The gift touched my heart and soul and it was a gift only my mom would know that I would love and treasure for the rest of my life. Since Christmas is very important to our family and it is my favourite holiday; I almost caved and started a relationship with my mother. I got dressed to go to the family Christmas dinner and was going out the door when I found out the man who was stalking me was given Christmas gifts and was thanked for all the wonderful things he had done for the family that year.
I am proud that I have the strength to walk on my own two feet, have independence, critical thinking skills, strong morals and ethics and I am a workaholic. I have learnt that I do not want my children to grow up in a family full of addiction. I want them to have stability, responsibility, a post secondary education and to know what a family gathering is without someone ending up blacking out or starting a fight. I will not defend my children's actions or blame other people when they do something wrong. I do not disparage what I have learnt, it has assisted me with my University, employment opportunities and as an addiction counsellor. It has shown me that family is anyone you surround yourself with and love. I have tried to pass on some of the great qualities that my mother has instilled in me, while passing on new skills and traits to my children.
I do not wish to change who I am or how I got here, it has made me stronger, given me insight to who I am, why I am unique, funny and compassionate; so to my mother THANK YOU.
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Vacuous as it were...